Jewel of the Vile
Wishmaster Gore-fest Fails Miserably

My mother always told me, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Normally, I try to keep an open mind and look for the positive side of things, but there are some movies too awful for nice words. Unfortunately, I sat through one such movie this weekend and feel obliged to keep people from making the same mistake.

Now, I like horror movies. I'm not a prude. In fact, I've seen some of the best/worst offerings in the genre. Don't ask me why. Some people simply dismiss my interest in horror movies as proof that I have no taste. This isn't true. I have taste, but sometimes my mind desires junk food.

Wishmaster is not junk food. Watching this movie was the equivalent of being promised a tasty treat only to find my stomach being pumped instead. Am I beginning to make myself clear? There was no redeeming value in this gore-fest, which offered two-dimensional characters, a boring plot, and one of the most misleading enticements I have encountered in the business since I went to see The Night the Screaming Stopped (which promised barf bags at the door because it was so disgusting - it wasn't).

Wishmaster is being billed as a Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream) production. It is, in a sense. Wes Craven helped produce (read as "invested money in") Wishmaster. He did not direct it, nor write it. His touches of cinematic flair and morbid humor are missing. (And they were needed if this film were to be saved.)

Wishmaster is also being hyped for bringing three horror legends into the same movie. Robert Englund (Freddie Kruger, A Nightmare on Elm Street), Tony Todd (Candyman, Candyman) and Kane Hodder (Jason, Friday the 13th) are billed as the stars of the movie, even though their roles vary from supporting character to bit-player. If you are expecting to see Jason vs. Freddy, forget it. The actors do NOT portray their well-known (well-loved?) horror personas. There is never so much as a nod or a wink about who they are. It is up to the audience to recognize them. While this is easy with Englund and Todd, Hodder is unidentifiable without his trademark hockey mask. (He plays a security guard...)

Should I bother explaining the boring and predictable plot? Well, if you've read this far you're probably still thinking about seeing the movie. Let me try and talk you out of it.

Wishmaster tells us the legend of the Djinn (pronounced 'jin). Unlike the fairy tales we have heard of genies in magic lamps, the Djinn are actually a malevolent race of demons created when the world was new. While they do -- in fact -- grant wishes (because it is the only way they can use their power), they never give the wisher exactly what he/she asked for. One such Djinn (played by Andrew Divoff) is trapped in a gemstone in Arabia around the year 1000. When a modern day collector buys a post-Islamic idol, the gemstone is found among the rubble when the statue is accidently smashed. The gem gets sold to a pawnshop owner who takes it to an auction house where it is given to gemologist Alexandra Amberson (played by newcomer Tammy Lauren) for appraisal.

Guess what good ol' Alex does? She releases the Djinn which subsequently goes on a rampage granting wishes to people in exchange for their souls (no matter that they never get exactly what they want). The Djinn must get Alex to make three wishes so he can open the portal between the realm of the Djinn and the "real" world. Gee, I wonder if she'll be able to stop him?

The characters in Wishmaster are as two-dimensional as can be without falling over. Alex is a tough-as-nails heroine (a la Linda Hamilton in The Terminator). While she matches wits with the Djinn, all the men fall prey to the Wishmaster. Alex's sister, Susan (played by Wendy Benson), proves to be nothing but a pawn for the Djinn and a liability to Alex.

The special effects, of course, are the true star of the film. From the early scenes in Arabia to the anti-climatic ending, it is evident that director Robert Kurtzman cared more about what horrors his effects team could dream up rather than how to further the story. Some of the effects are amateurish and excessive, but most are good. Nothing really stands out as unique while several are borrowed from other films.

In short, Wishmaster is not a movie worth spending your money on. It is absolutely bad. Don't go to the matinee, don't rent it, and don't see it at the dollar house. If you ever find yourself bed-ridden and it comes on HBO, I hope the remote is not out of your reach. If it is, I suggest you hold your breath until you pass out to spare yourself the horror of watching this unwatchable movie.

MY RATING: 0 out of 10.

RATED:
RUN TIME: 91 min.

Jewel of the Vile Wishmaster Gore-fest Fails Miserably

Jewel of the Vile
Wishmaster Gore-fest Fails Miserably