Raider of the Lost Plot
Angelina Ain't Quite Indy

At the risk of angering every fanboy in the free world, I must report that Lara Croft: Tomb Raider -- for all its glitz and sizzle -- isn't a good movie. Please note, that I didn't say that it failed to live up to expectations. I went in with very little pre-conceived notions and expected nothing but Angelina Jolie in tight outfits, pulling guns and shooting things. I was not disappointed in that aspect. The movie, however, did not live up to the overwhelming groundswell of support it has been receiving.

I love summer movies. Ever since I first saw Star Wars at the age of ten, I've known that there is something special about the escapism of the big screen and an air-conditioned theater on a warm summer night. I enjoy fantasy and science fiction as much as I enjoy mainstream comedies and dramas. But the hollow tripe of Tomb Raider is painful to watch. It is passable as entertainment, but not good entertainment. If you enjoy video games, you might enjoy Tomb Raider, but if you're looking for a film, you had better look elsewhere.

Lara Croft is a female James Bond mixed with Indiana Jones. The daughter of Lord Croft (played by Jolie's true-life father, Jon Voight), Lara lives in a mansion with her butler and a technical geek named Bryce. Not much else is known, other than she has a title (Lady Lara) and way too much money. She also has inherited her father's love of adventure, and she seems enjoys pushing her body to the limit.

Of course, this movie is all about limits (or the lack thereof). There is no end to the amount of mindless action, the senselessness of the plot, or the sheer stupidity of the characters. Even now, several questions about the story remain unanswered for me. (Not in the cool way that a film like, say, Memento sparks conversation, but in a dumb "What the heck was that about?" kind of way.) For fear of dropping spoilers, I will refrain from mentioning them here.

Jolie is the epitome of Lara Croft. I've never played the video game "Tomb Raider," but it's impossible to surf the Net without running across our pixelated heroine's image: a tight, athletic body accented by large breasts. Oddly, Jolie lives up to this unreal stereotype that seems as if it should not be possible outside of a computer. Not only does she have the body, but her clipped British accent and sexual charm are guaranteed to be the stuff of teen boy fantasies in the months to come.

The special effects are nothing short of spectacular. The scene in the Cambodian temple is beautiful, not only for its set direction but also for the mystical golems that Lara and the others face. Thankfully Lara packs the kind of ammunition that punches through stone columns as if they were made of runny cheese. Unfortunately, the "quest" aspect of the film seems abbreviated, as the search for two pieces of a puzzle culminates at the same location where those pieces need to be joined.

If Tomb Raider had been released last summer, I would have welcomed it. Without even a hint of competition (aside from The X-Men and Mission: Impossible 2), it would have done very well. This is a summer of anticipated releases, however. True, some -- like Pearl Harbor -- have been a complete letdown, but Tomb Raider is a shadow that will fade quickly in the light of new releases.

MY RATING: 3 out of 10.

RATED: PG-13
RUN TIME: 96 min.